She was my Lily
by RosalindAnnaBorelli
Summary: "Hi, Daffie. It's been time, eh ?" He sighed loudly. "I missed you." Memories of greenish and blueish locks, shy smiles, black clothes, sparkling brown eyes, playing eyelashes, flooded him suddenly. He felt old, and worn, thinking of their young years. Marlene "Daffie" Daffodil McKinnon/Sirius Black
"Hi, Daffie. It's been time, eh ?"

He sighed loudly.

"I missed you."

Memories of greenish and blueish locks, shy smiles, black clothes, sparkling brown eyes, playing eyelashes, flooded him suddenly.

He felt old, and worn, thinking of their young years.

They fought endlessly over silly things, privately or not.

She was better than him at Quidditch. She was older than him -more or less two years- and was Captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch Team before James but stopped playing after a bad fall -two broken arms, a sprained ankle (responsible of her constant slight limp since then) and a concussion-.

He met her years ago. The fair haired little girl with soft brown eyes filled with fear. She was eight, he was no more than six himself. The girl from the bushes. The one with bruises on her face. She lived in the house beside his own. Her neighbour he never met before.

She was spying on the two boys playing in their garden. Sirius caught her glance. He hesitated and came near the bushes. Their eyes met. Sad brown ones against curious grey ones. Sirius extended his hand above the hedge.

"I am Sirius Orion Black. The baby there -he pointed out the younger kid- is my brother, Regulus Arcturus. Are you our neighbour ?"

The little girl blushed profusely and nodded shyly.

"Marlene Daffodil Themis McKinnon" she mumbled, all her face crimson.

"Daffodil isn't a flower ?" Sirius asked, interested by the strange name, a few seconds later.

"Huh-huh. Is Sirus a star ? Mother says that Black family members have stars' names." the girl said thoughtfully, her left forefinger raised to the limits of her lips, almost as she wanted to shush him.

She always did that when she tried to remember something.

"It's Sirius, Miss. It's a family tradition I think. Wow, your face is purple ! Even worse than mine when Father hi- uh. Uh uh !"

Quickly, she had put a hand on his mouth, looking all around her, distress filling her eyes.

"Shhh ! Don't tell anyone ! Please, Mr. Sirius !" she begged him, shaking, tears falling on her pale cheeks.

She carefully removed her hand and swept it on her dress -boys were disgusting, after all-, looking sharply at the young Black with teary eyes.

"Don't cry, Miss. I promise." he told her solemnely.

The McKinnons heiress curtseyed quickly before running away, tripping over her long dress several times in the process.

"My respects, Miss McKinnon !" she heard her little neighbour cry as she looked for an other place to hide in the propriety in order to cry.

They met again only years later. The girl wasn't one to spend a lot of time in her garden, contrary to the boy. Sirius thought she might be of a sickly composure. In Pureblood families, it was quite common. Growing up he almost forgot her.

He met her again at Hogwarts. She was Quidditch Captain by the age of thirteen. She was pretty, in a Pureblood way : natural straight golden hair, pale skin, and angular features. Well mannered. Always wearing witch's dresses in pastel tones : soft pink, baby blue, pale lilac, celadon.

She was older and they didn't speak much. She taught him a trick or two to play Beater. They saw each other at receptions where their presences were required by their parents quite a few times.

They didn't pay much attention to each other.

It changed the winter of her sixteenth birthday.

They were dancing partners and barely acknowledged the other, Sirius managing to keep his feet of hers as much as he could. In the middle of the waltz, the young girl begged him to stop, saying she didn't feel well.

He led her to the balcony, unsure of the reason she gave him to quit the dancefloor. She may just have chosen to put an end to their misery elegantly. They stood, leaning at the balcony while she took deep breathes. He looked at her sharply, noticing she was close to faint, and grabbed her forearms quickly to steady her.

She immediatly winced in pain at the contact. Yet, his grip couldn't be that painful. His eyes lowered to his hands on her arms. Under her white lacy gloves, barely masked by powder, he was able to see bruises. Images came to his mind. A little girl. With a sweet mauve dress and a shy broken smile. And a small face almost purple.

There was the same fear in her eyes than eight years ago. Moreover she looked sick and tired. Her skin was waxy at best and there were dark rings under her eyes, poorly hidden under make-up hastily applied, he realised when his eyes wandered more closely on her.

What could he do ? Purebloods were not tender in their children's education, either they wanted to do what they thought right or not. Purebloods just shouldn't be parents, if you asked him.

However, he never witnessed the misery of his peers so clearly. Beating up children was a private matter, even if it was the usual way to raise your children in a Pureblood family.

He felt sorry for her, and embarassed. What should he do ?

"Look, don't move, I'll bring you a drink." he said tentatively.

Maybe she'd feel better if a bit dizzy.

"No !"

She began to cry. He awkwardly took the tall girl in his arms and patted her head murmuring little nothings while she sobbed helplessly against him. It was rather uncomfortable and he felt uneasy.

"No drink, then. Look, you're going to catch a cold if we stay here any longer and I am not enough of a gentleman to let you borrow my cloak and freeze to hell. Will it be okay to come back inside ? I will lead you to a vacant room as soon as possible, and you could take a rest or we could chat, whatever you prefer. Is it right to you ?"

The girl nodded, dried her tears and let him guide her in the room, avoiding other dancing couples. They escaped the ballroom discreetly. Sirius hoped nobody saw them, it would be a good piece of gossip for Pureblood ladies at teatime tomorrow. And his mother would kill him because he was engaged to Emilia Rosier since her birth -something like six years ago-. Not that it really mattered.

He eventually led his companion to his bedroom. They sat on the bed silently.

"Er- want to speak about it ?"

The girl said nothing. He didn't know her well, their situation was particular.

"Well, I am not good at that, eh ? It could be worse, no ?" he asked as softly as his natural delicacy allowed him -well, he blurted it out without thinking at all-.

She cried again, louder this time. He was such a poor comforter. He sighed hopelessly.

"Sorry. Huh. I was thinking... I know a hex for the bruises. Do you want... ?" he asked, trying harder to be kind and patient with the girl.

"Nobody knows. Nobody knows except Alderan."

He barely caught what she said. Her voice was a murmur. She buried her face in her hands with despair, feeling ashamed.

Sirius shifted a bit. Comforting crying girls was definitely not Sirius' area of expertise.

"Who is Alderan ? Your friend ?" he tried a topic he supposed safe.

Failed. She buried her face in his shoulder this time and he hold her tightly. They stayed silent even longer than before. Sirius was surprised that his silence seemed to be more efficient to make her stop crying than his words.

"He is the Macmillan heir. We were secretly dating." she whispered hollowly.

Sirius took her hand gently. A love story. Great. She was crying the hell out of her because of a broken heart. He nearly smirked. How idiotic. He thought that her muggleborn best friend had been killed by Death Eaters, something like that. She took a long breathe.

"I am pregnant. He is the father."

Sirius lost all his sarcasm. Her refusal to drink alcohol was clear now. And he was an arsehole. Truly, he thought it was only a childish lost love. How could he ? It was much more important.

"I take it he..." he carefully formulated, lowering his eyes, shame for his rapid judgement written all over his face before she cut him off.

"Yes. I just told him earlier, at the beginning of today's ball. He rejected me. He said if I want to keep it he will just deny our relationship."

There was a loud silence. One heavy of unsaid things.

"I was so stupid ! When I found out I thought he will marry me and take me away from... from...you know."

She wasn't sad now. She was angry at herself. Why was she so weak ?

She removed her gloves. Sirius tried not to gasp. It was worse than it firstly seemed. Even him didn't received enough blows to have his arm in the state of hers for quite a while.

"I was wrong of course. He doesn't even love me. I was such a fool !" the girl babbled again.

There was so much hurt in her eyes he wanted to punch the one who did that to her. The ones.

"Give me your hand. I'll perform the curse."

He smiled at her kindly and healed the bruises. She looked relieved.

They talked a lot until the boy thought it would be more prudent to join the crowd in the ballroom. Nobody seemed to have noticed they were missing for rather a long time.

Then came the farewells.

"Thank you."

He bowed and she curtseyed. And once again, she ran away while he murmured "My respects, Miss McKinnon", a sad smile on his lips.

Later, he secretly accompanied her for her abortion. She was glad someone was here. It created an unbreakable bond between the two.

They became closer. Then, there was his fifth year. And her last.

"Daff..."

He liked to call her that. She didn't mind, she just said she will kill him if he only tried to call her Daffodil.

They were on the roof of Hogwarts. They often met there at nightime. Sirius was smoking. She was drinking a butterbeer. His was still untouched.

"Huh ?"

She blinked to catch a glimpse of his face in the dark.

"I saw the bruises at breakfast. You said he had stopped but... They're new, aren't they ?"

It wasn't an easy topic to broach, he was well aware. But he didn't want to saw her in a depression once more. Never again.

"All was okay... Until the day before the school's start. He can't stop himself, it's not like he do it purposefully. He just can't help it."

"Stop that, Daffie. You're a victim. You're mistreated. He has no rights to do that to you -or to anyone else-. I thought we already had established that. Maybe your father is sick but you don't have to suffer the consequences."

Self-harm was her worst time through her depression. Their worst time. He was with her all the way here, doing his best to prevent her to hurt herself or, much worse, commit suicide.

They spent endless nights here, on the roofs, talking and hugging, comforting and finally laughing.

He worked so hard to make her smile. She changed. He feared her coldness at first, but helped her out of it.

"We'll make it." he used to say.

And she believed him because she awfully needed someone to trust. It was hard sometimes. She cried, she shouted, she tried to hurt herself. But it happened less and less. She began to live again. He didn't want her father to make her fall again. Her knees might be weak, but he had his arm wrapped around her back : she will never fall again.

She averted her eyes. He took her hand and squeezed it.

"Nice locks, by the way."

"You saw ? I am a new Marlene now. I feel it. I wanted others to feel it too. I think I'll use a darker blue next time. But I really like the curls. It's different." she shrugged.

He smiles in approval.

"What about the black clothes ? You're planning to change that too ?"

She had only wore black for nearly two years.

"Not yet. Maybe someday."

She looked at the sky. It was beautiful. Dark, with some stars here and there. What about her ? Were the stars in her ready to be brightened again ? Or did they die completly ?

"Stop talking about me. Your departure made quite a fuss in the neighbourhood. Are you okay ?"

There was a geniune concern in her voice as she squeezed his hands to seek comfort in their touch.

"It's okay I guess. Great, even. I live with my bestfriend. Doesn't sound good to you ?"

He gave her his best badboy smile, the one which made his female classmates -and some males- giggle. Such a bad liar. She sighed.

"You should do the same, you know. You should go away from him." Sirius finally said, gesturing at her arm.

"To go where ? At Potter's ?"

She raised an amused eyebrow. For some reasons, she hated that boy. And he hated her as deeply, so all was well, right ?

He loved her sarcasm. She only used it when she was okay.

"I need money if I want to leave. I don't have enough yet." she stated blankly.

"At least you're an adult."

"If you say so. You always seem to be older than me. You're the one who takes the best decisions, who helped me to sort things out and to clean my mess. I'm not an adult. I am an eight year old girl afraid of the world."

"You're not, Daff. Not anymore. You lived difficult things and you faced them, even if sometimes you failed. There was nobody here for you. You're rather exceptional. "

She smiled a bit at that.

"You were there. It means a lot for me. And you may look grumpy and all but you're the nicest person I know. I... If it wasn't for you, I..."

She looked at the sky, swallowing hard.

"It's over. You're okay now." he said with confidence.

She buried her head in his cloak, and he held her tightly.

Pushing her fringe aside, he smoothly kissed her forehead impulsively.

She shivered, feeling his cold lips lingering on her skin.

Despite the lack of light their eyes met. And without warning, she kissed him and he came along. They eventually pulled apart, breathing eraticly. He lightly stroked her cheek with his thumb. Their kissing session kept going.

They dated for a few months. And then they had to go home for summer.

On King Cross' platform, she told him she loved him.

And she ran away. It was her speciality.

He didn't see her much that summer, but they wrote quite a lot to each other.

She told him she was planning to play the piano for a living.

He remembered the first time she played in front of him.

Her small fingers flying on the touchs. The music. All was perfect.

By the time he graduated, she lived in a Muggle neighborhood and gave piano lessons at children in the surroundings. She was happier than ever. She was beautiful. She began to wear grey and dark clothes, slowly giving up the black.

War was raging. They put wards on their flat, they went to the cinema with James and Lily, they fought against Death Eaters, they saw quidditch matches. She was a fervent fan of Puddlemere. Her grandfather played in the team years ago.

James proposed to Lily. Marlene and Sirius' relationship didn't resist when his own proposal met a sharp refusal.

He didn't see her for months after their separation.

One day she came back. Her cheerful self knocked at the door. They chatted a lot that day.

She looked better, and happy. She apologized, telling him she needed to be a bit alone to heal. Three weeks later, they were a couple again. They didn't tell anybody. Although Marlene parents weren't a model to educate a kid, they took part to the Resistance openly. It put her in danger, and sharing their relationship with others wasn't a reasonable move.

She wore pale colors again, and even bright ones sometimes. It was nice.

On Wednesdays, he had half the day off and he spent it listening to her teaching music to their Muggle neighbours. He liked hearing children's laughs or even her own, filling the air with happiness.

All was well in their relationship until Lily announced her pregnancy. It was hard to bear for the young McKinnon. Sirius did his best to keep her out of depression. He spent a lot of time with her, talking. He tried to distract her : learning her bowling, taking her on dates -he always bought her daffodils-, asking her to teach him a few melodies.

They went to concerts, quidditch matches, former classmates' birthday parties. He gave her rides on his flying motorcycle. They took Muggle cooking classes together. It was fun. And it was nice to have a conversation with Muggles unaware that a war was going on.

It helped her a lot. She looked better. She was different, stronger. She even cracked a smile at Harry's birth. Before crying all night in Sirius' arms. It remembered her what could have been if her former lover really cared for her.

Soon, they just looked like an ordinary couple. A Muggle couple. Living in a Muggle neighbourhood was good for her. They were young lovers kissing on benches, rather than fighters in a war with an uncertain outcome.

They were so happy together. And then...

That bloody Wednesday. He came home, and saw a child waiting in front of their door. Matthew, if he remembered well.

"Hello boy. What are you looking for ?"

"Is Mrs Black here ?"

It was strange to hear her called that.

"We're not married, child." he said softly, glancing at the door.

"She didn't answer. Mum let me in front of the building half an hour ago. She'll be here at 4. Mrs Black, I mean, Miss Marlene made me pratice every Wednesday at 3 o'clock."

"Okay. You're Mattie, right ? You know Angelica ? She praticed with D... with Miss Marlene quite often, I believe. She lived next door. Can you knock and say to her mother I need her to take you for a little while? Wait there for me, kid. Your mother'll take you as soon as possible."

"Something's wrong, Mister Black ?"

"I hope not. Go."

He tried to open the door. It was closed. He took the keys in his jeans' front pocket. He entered the hall. The flat was empty. He felt it.

"Daff, love, I'm here. You were sleeping ? All's okay ? There was a kid waiting for you outside. Do you forgot your piano lessons ?" he said loudly nevertheless.

What if she had ran away once more ? What if she had let him on his own ? How could he survive ?

He understood she needed her space. Really, with all the things that happened to her, it wasn't surprising. She needed time and he knew it. Her wounds were of the kind that healed slowly. But he loved her, and her running away again was tearing him apart. Each time he tried but it was never enough. He soothed her pain daily but wasn't able to help her in the long run.

It hurted. He hoped to see her at the Order meeting that night. He wanted to check on her. She was a gem and he took it on himself to protect her -at least against herself. He shivered, thinking of her bony wrists covered with more or less old cuts. She always wore long sleeves to hide them.

Now she had a dog tatoo on her left forearm and a daffodil tatoo on her right one.

"It helps" she used to say.

To keep the monster, the other her away.

"A reminder that you helped me out of It. That it's over." she explained him months ago.

He was so proud of her that day. He had told her so.

Was it enough to keep her from doing it again ?

Hours later, the Order gathered. She was nowhere to be seen. Some members looked frantic. James looked exhausted. Remus wasn't here, it was a full moon. Peter was speaking with Emmeline Vance, looking quite agitated.

"Prongs, what's going on ?"

"You don't know ? Where have you been ?" James yawned.

It was a difficult day for Aurors, and Harry had been sick all night, keeping his parents awake.

Wandering in Muggle Glasgow helplessly looking for Daff haphazardly, Sirius thought.

"What happened ?" he asked again, yearning for an answer where her name wouldn't appear.

"The McKinnons had been attacked this afternoon. They're all dead. I am sorry."

"No. She can't... No. What ? Why have you told me that ?"

Did she find her family dead and killed herself ? Or was she warned by the McKinnons ?

"Marlene's been your girlfriend, right ?"

She wasn't alive. She couldn't. James'tone was too calculated. He knew that.

"She was there ?"

He was helplessly shaking now.

James nodded, looking at him carefully. Sirius knew the second he mentionned the McKinnons' name but he felt suddenly choking on a sob. He looked away, crying.

James had never seen him cry. He looked really concerned. He put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"I felt really bad when I heard for Monica's death. But after some time, pain is less present." he said softly.

"You dated her two months when we were sixteen. That's not exactly the same." Sirius snapped furiously.

His friend looked surprised. Of course. For him, Marlene and Sirius just flirted and shared a bed for a few months, nothing more.

"Prongs, I..."

He felt guilty for his former words and the hurt of rejection in James' eyes. Daffie had the same look when she was in a bad period and he forgot to be patient with her. It broke him. He looked for James' arm to steady himself.

He tried to tell him, but the words stayed blocked on his tongue. It felt to intimate to share the three little words they used to say to each other as much as they can.

"She was my Lily."

It was an other way to explain it as clearly.

The second he said it, he saw understanding in his eyes. James scanned the room for his wife, before remembering she was secure, at home, looking out for their son.

He left before James had the time to say anything else. He came to their room. Some jeans of her were on the chair. The bed wasn't made -it was his turn-, and he knew there was her PJ's under her pillow. He took her pillow, respiring fully her light perfume clenched to the fabric, and squeezed it.

Days later, he received Lily's letter. James hadn't tell her, then. He was glad he didn't. It was too personal.

He didn't come to her burial. It felt impersonal. He knew she asked to not be buried with her family but still, he didn't want to see estranged faces claiming to be her closed ones. He didn't want to sée fake tears. She was nothing for them and he found that disgusting. He didn't want to say her good-bye surrounded by the finest hypocrit Purebloods of their society, some of them possibly being her own murderers.

In the following Order meeting, Aurors close to Dumbledore brought their rapports on the McKinnons' attacks. Moody read the contents of the folders.

Daffie's parents didn't suffer much, apparently. Just an Avada Kedavra. The house elf tried to warn people of the attack but was linked not to the house but to his masters so closely he couldn't get out of the house, or only to apparate somewhere where McKinnons' blood ran. That's why he could only warn blood relatives of the family.

The Death Eaters let the house elf alive so he could tell what they had done to the family.

Marlene and her half-brother, the more resistant, were tortured. Him magically, her... She was stabbed repetitively.

They suffered a great deal. They saw their family falling. Daffie suffered a lot because of them but she loved her family. And her uncles, cousins, half-sisters and half-brother weren't responsible of it.

The medical records were sickening.

"Marlene -Sirius was the only one who didn't call her that.- was two weeks pregnant, probably even unaware of it."

Sirius held the table tightly.

"If she had survived... Was the foetus viable when she died ?"

"I am afraid not. I'm not a medical expert, but by the look of it..."

He felt James' silent grip on his arm.

"Are you okay ?" the young man asked worriedly.

"It's better that way. She couldn't have bear a loss of that type again." he mumbled, holding back his tears.

He didn't come to her grave. It was too fresh. And then, James and Lily were killed. He was imprisoned.

Now he was there, looked for all around the country, standing in front of a dark tomb where carved gold letters exhibited her name. He brushed the cold stone with his fingertips softly as he used to stroke her cheeks lightly when he couldn't sleep.

He pointed softly his wand in direction of the stone. Blue lines ran into the stone and soon, it became an elegant blue veined black grave.

"It looks more like you that way."

He smiled as he thought of her blue and golden locks.

He transfigured a bunch of daffodils, like if it was their usual Friday date, and put them on her stone. He bowed and whispered ironically "My respects, Miss McKinnon." before looking away, unshed tears in his eyes.

All the way back to the graveyard's gates, he kept an eye on her grave.

"See you soon Daffie, probably even sooner than you expected." he murmured, blowing her an imaginary kiss, before turning back. And for once, it was him who ran away, but only to better come back to her.


End file.
